by Art Buchwald
Thursday, November 24, 2005
This confidential column was leaked to me by a high government official in the Plymouth colony on the condition that I not reveal his name.

One of our most important holidays is Thanksgiving Day, known in France as le Jour de Merci Donnant .

Le Jour de Merci Donnant was first started by a group of Pilgrims ( Pelerins ) who fled from l’Angleterre before the McCarran Act to found a colony in the New World ( le Nouveau Monde ) where they could shoot Indians ( les Peaux-Rouges ) and eat turkey ( dinde ) to their hearts’ content.

They landed at a place called Plymouth (now a famous voiture Americaine ) in a wooden sailing ship called the Mayflower (or Fleur de Mai ) in 1620. But while the Pelerins were killing the dindes, the Peaux-Rouges were killing the Pelerins, and there were several hard winters ahead for both of them. The only way the Peaux-Rouges helped the Pelerins was when they taught them to grow corn ( mais ). The reason they did this was because they liked corn with their Pelerins.

In 1623, after another harsh year, the Pelerins’ crops were so good that they decided to have a celebration and give thanks because more mais was raised by the Pelerins than Pelerins were killed by Peaux-Rouges.

Every year on the Jour de Merci Donnant, parents tell their children an amusing story about the first celebration.

It concerns a brave capitaine named Miles Standish (known in France as Kilometres Deboutish) and a young, shy lieutenant named Jean Alden. Both of them were in love with a flower of Plymouth called Priscilla Mullens (no translation). The vieux capitaine said to the jeune lieutenant :

“Go to the damsel Priscilla ( allez tres vite chez Priscilla), the loveliest maiden of Plymouth ( la plus jolie demoiselle de Plymouth). Say that a blunt old captain, a man not of words but of action ( un vieux Fanfan la Tulipe ), offers his hand and his heart, the hand and heart of a soldier. Not in these words, you know, but this, in short, is my meaning.

“I am a maker of war ( je suis un fabricant de la guerre ) and not a maker of phrases. You, bred as a scholar ( vous, qui tes pain comme un tudiant ), can say it in elegant language, such as you read in your books of the pleadings and wooings of lovers, such as you think best adapted to win the heart of the maiden.”

Although Jean was fit to be tied ( convenable tre emballe ), friendship prevailed over love and he went to his duty. But instead of using elegant language, he blurted out his mission. Priscilla was muted with amazement and sorrow ( rendue muette par l’tonnement et las tristesse ).

At length she exclaimed, interrupting the ominous silence: “If the great captain of Plymouth is so very eager to wed me, why does he not come himself and take the trouble to woo me?” ( Ou est-il, le vieux Kilometres? Pourquoi ne vient-il pas aupres de moi pour tenter sa chance ?)

Jean said that Kilometres Deboutish was very busy and didn’t have time for those things. He staggered on, telling what a wonderful husband Kilometres would make. Finally Priscilla arched her eyebrows and said in a tremulous voice, “Why don’t you speak for yourself, Jean?” ( Chacun a son gout. )

And so, on the fourth Thursday in November, American families sit down at a large table brimming with tasty dishes and, for the only time during the year, eat better than the French do.

No one can deny that le Jour de Merci Donnant is a grande fte and no matter how well fed American families are, they never forget to give thanks to Kilometres Deboutish, who made this great day possible.

This may be the best Two Johns Podcast ever too!Or maybe not, it depends how much time you have and how much you like listener feedback.  Since we’ve been away for a little bit, we have many, many emails to go through.  This installation of the podcast is paired down to Giro talk, Listener Feedback and a segment where we talk about whether old Brikos are cool or uncool.   In our bag of emails this week we read a few race face emails- then the Two Johnic Kaibosh is issued to race face talk- putting it on a shelf next to over-under talk and some other what-not littering the out of reach high shelf we will no longer discuss, Hot Beth wants to know whom to ride with, Puking Guy asks about taking EPO so he can crush his chums, Johns are corrected about Chris King & Campy,  Church of the One Way Bianchi fixie to be & the list goes on  and on- as we defy one of the Drill Seargent’s suggestion of shorter podcasts- but wait there’s more! A special bonus email at the very end.  Eventhough this is not our season finale, despite all the questions that are asked, there may be more unanswered questions at the end than existed 3 hours before you started listening.  Sit back, lift a glass of your preferred beverage and say “Ya Bone-eh, the Two Johns are back!” and get ready for the Two Johns reading your emails- what could be better?

We are back from a longish layoff, but not due to inactivity.  In this latest installment of of the Two Johns Podcast we discuss the classics season to date, Hamilton’s situation & the french conspiracy.  Local News you will get the riveting story of our racing lives followed by an interview with Mr. Zellman where he talks about the relaunch of SRAM Force.  As usual, we finish the podcast off with listener feedback we’ve collected in the interim since the last installment.  We hear from such luminaries as:  The Illuminated Cyclist asks about his glow in the dark tape,  how to coax the road weary back on the bike- when it is your wife, ride leader- what makes a good one?  Know the route.  A few questions regarding empirical data about abstinence making the leg go faster.  All these emails are fighting for the ultimate prize of a pair of Slipstreams by Defeet.

A couple of other random things:
Theo Boss, was he protecting his line?

Here is his explanation:

Here’s how to wear a helmet.

Special Guests:  SRAM Ed II & Jame Carney II

One John in the cave & One John still smarting over having watched Twilight.  This podcast we eschew Kenny Loggins references and seem to have multiple Daniel Day Lewis ones… but among other things we talk broken bones, San Remo wrap up, John K tries to race into shape, The Bank breathes life back into Cinci group rides, the second part of both interviews with Ed Nasjleti with SRAM & Olympian Jame Carney, followed by listener feedback:  The Scots try to prove we have them to thank for the roots of cycling, what is spinning class etiquette? which bikes for the cobbles?, masters racing in South Africa & more!  As always this week’s feedback winner gets a pair of Slipstreams by Defeet!